Sex Without Intimacy and Intimacy Without Sex

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Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand

and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life by Kevin B. Burk

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We no longer feel the social pressure to confine sex to

committed relationships. In fact, we're free to explore our

sexuality with just about anyone we like. Sex is now an

accepted recreational activity. What we often don't realize,

however, is that even casual, recreational sex still

involves intimacy. We may have overcome our fear and shame

about sex, but many of us still have issues regarding

intimacy. If we experience more intimacy than we can handle,

we will feel threatened; our safety checklist will be

triggered. No matter how "safe" we make sex, sex may not be

safe to us.

When we experience an orgasm, we reveal ourselves more

completely and more honestly than at any other time. We let

our egos die for a moment, and we have the chance to

experience a true connection with another person. Then the

ego comes back into the picture, and we're hit with the fear

of separation, and all of our old patterns. If we don't have

enough trust or enough safety, we will feel threatened,

guilty, and generally unsafe. No matter how much society's

beliefs about sex have evolved in our lifetime, our core

conditioning tells us that there's no such thing as

no-strings sex. We still equate sex with love, and love with

commitment. And we equate love and commitment with

vulnerability, responsibility, and the fear that our needs

will not be met.

Sex is very easy to come by in today's society. What most of

us crave, however, is not sex, but intimacy. The challenge

is that the only model most of us have for expressing or

experiencing intimacy is sex. Intimacy requires trust, and

trust takes time. It's very difficult to experience true

intimacy through casual sex.

The level of intimacy we experience through sex can be

threatening to many of us, particularly if the sex occurs

early in the relationship. Safety is essential in the early

stages of a relationship--even the smallest safety violation

can mark the end of a budding romance. As we get to know our

partners over time, we create a foundation of trust and

familiarity. We can keep minor safety violations in

perspective. This is not the case when we have truly casual

sex with someone.

When we become sexual with a person we've just met, even the

smallest safety violation will be enough to stop our getting

to know each other. One of the challenges is that it's not

usually appropriate or possible to have a Relationship

Definition Talk with a person we've known less than six

hours. There is no real relationship to discuss. While we

both may have wanted to pursue a romantic relationship

before we had sex, we often find we're less interested the

next morning, because we feel unsafe. We experienced too

much intimacy too quickly, and we need to create some

distance, some space, and to put up some walls so that we

can recover. These walls, however, block the emotional and

spiritual connections we experienced that made us want to

get to know each other in the first place. Since we don't

really know our partner, we wonder if there was ever a

genuine connection between us. We often end up with the

awkward "morning after" where one of us promises to call the

other, and neither of us believes the phone will actually

ring.

Two popular television shows demonstrate our current

approaches to sex without intimacy and intimacy without sex.

SEX WITHOUT INTIMACY: "SEX AND THE CITY"

HBO's television series, "Sex and the City," follows the

loves and lives of four single women living in New York

City. The show has become a cultural touchstone because it

explores sexuality from the woman's point of view in frank,

funny, and honest ways. The four main characters are smart,

independent, decent, professional, attractive women. They

each have a different approach to sex, love and

relationships, and between them they cover a broad spectrum

of expectations and attitudes towards sex. The main

characters have become so much a part of popular culture

that many women use them as reference points to describe

their own patterns and feelings about sex. So do many gay

men.

For those of you not familiar with the series (and even for

those of us who are), I'll provide a brief description of

each of the main characters to illustrate their attitudes

towards sex.

SAMANTHA

Samantha Jones takes the most stereotypically male approach

to sex. She truly enjoys sex, and for the most part, she's

content to have a healthy sex life with multiple partners.

She has no guilt or shame associated with sex. Sex for

Samantha does not require any kind of emotional commitment,

nor does it imply any kind of relationship. She enjoys sex

for the sake of sex. Samantha is largely self-sufficient,

and is able to meet her validation needs through her close

friendships. Although Samantha had three significant

romantic relationships during the run of the show (including

a lesbian relationship), she has never set out to find a

relationship.

CARRIE

Carrie Bradshaw has a healthy appreciation for casual sex as

well. Carrie, however, is looking for something more than

just sex--she is looking for a relationship. While Carrie is

less likely than Samantha to simply hook up with an

attractive stranger, she doesn't need to feel like she's in

a committed relationship before she will have sex. Sex is a

part of casual dating for Carrie.

MIRANDA

Miranda Hobbes is more interested in finding a romantic

relationship than she admits. For Miranda, sex is more than

just sex--it implies some kind of commitment, and requires

some kind of emotional connection. The few times Miranda has

indulged in strictly casual sex, she's been disappointed.

Miranda needs to feel that sex is a part of a

relationship--and she has, in the past, used sex as a way to

try to initiate a relationship. Once she has sex with

someone, she immediately begins to see him as a potential

long-term romantic partner.

CHARLOTTE

If Samantha is the most stereotypically masculine in her

approach to sex, Charlotte York is the most stereotypically

feminine. Although she doesn't like to admit it, Charlotte

is uncomfortable with the idea of casual sex. For Charlotte,

sex should only be part of a committed relationship.

Charlotte sets the most boundaries with respect to her sex

life--how far she's willing to go sexually has a direct

relation to how strong a commitment she receives from her

partner. Of course this did backfire on her--she made her

first husband wait until they were married before she would

have sex with him, and then discovered that he couldn't.

INTIMACY WITHOUT SEX: "WILL & GRACE"

"Sex and the City" mainly focuses on sex. If we want to find

a model for an intimate relationship, we have to look to

another popular television show: "Will & Grace." Will Truman

and Grace Adler share a tremendous amount of love, trust and

intimacy in their relationship. They validate and support

each other, and they share the kind of emotional connections

that most of us truly crave in our lives. Ironically, the

only reason that they manage to do this is that sex can

never be a part of their relationship, since Will is gay.

Women and gay men have always shared a special bond. In many

ways, relationships between women and gay men are the only

ones where we can experience true intimacy without involving

sex.

But sex and intimacy are still connected. The more intimate

we become with someone, the more important it will be that

we are able to express that intimacy through sex. Our

objective in our romantic relationships is to feel loved.

Ultimately, love involves a balance of sex and intimacy. But

for many of us, the choice seems to be either having

intimacy without sex, or sex without intimacy. We've all but

forgotten how to combine the two.

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Kevin B. Burk is the author of The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life. Visit http://www.everyrelationship.com for a FREE report on creating AMAZING Relationships.

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